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Join me!

Truth is, my state of mind is changing as much as the southern California weather as of late. One day I wake up with the vigor and hope to take on the day and others I melt into my couch and drift away to the latest Bravo marathon. I am an unpredictable, unrecognizable mess – but what I’m trying to accept is that right now, this is me.  So here I am, mess and all, participating authentically in my world as I know it. Yep, this isn’t easy.

I expected God would use this journey to change me and while I sit here writing this in the thick of the mud, I am blown away by you! You have told me that my journey is prompting you to live a more inspired life. My unknown, my brokenness, my pain is bringing you life and I need you to know that you are my inspiration. To think that God is transforming not just my life in this proves that He indeed is good- and I am a chosen, redeemed, loved mess. Indeed He is good.

The last two months my job has been to figure out what I want my “job” to be.  Not exactly the easiest answer to the daily question ‘hows the job hunt coming?!’ But I think for the first time I may have an answer to that question, or at least a direction to lean. My background is is television production and hosting but I’ve always been more on the creative rather than the technical side of the operation and lately I’ve found myself wishing that my novice shooting and editing skills were more professionally developed so I could in essence ‘do my own thing!’

For some reason that’s where my thoughts stopped, like the possibility of developing those skills was so far out of reach that I didn’t even consider it.  And now I’m a little annoyed with myself for selling myself short! I have creative ambition, desire to connect with people and a passion to tell stories and believe it or not (I’m talking to myself here) God has already equipped me to live out this dream.

It’s gonna take some work and lots of practice, but so what. I have this gift and I CAN do this. What you’re asking? A video production company run by a woman’s touch. I kinda like the sound of that…

All of us long to become something more than we are. We are driven to achieve, moved to accomplish, fueled by ambition. It burns hotter in some than in others, but it is within all of us. We are all searching for our unique purpose, our divine destiny, or simply a sense of significance or some measure of success. When we are optimistic about the future, we find the energy to create it. - Erwin McManus, Soul Cravings.

The first time I heard my soul, it told me ‘there’s got to be more than this. You are more than this!’ And then I felt it scream out from the depths ‘WHY HAVE YOU NEGLECTED ME?!’ Oooh some powerful stuff.

The first time your soul breaks through the brick exterior you’ve spent so many years stacking up – it sounds quiet and weak. But the moment enough light pours into the darkness to fully awaken your spirit, it will come pouring out of you, strong, triumphant and defying not to be ignored anymore. Don’t believe me? Please, find out for yourself.

The moment you allow your soul to regain it’s proper place in your body is the moment that life as you know it is over. Everything you ever thought you wanted, everything you’ve ever worked for will be challenged and you’ll be forced to reevaluate the motivations that brought you to where you are today. And then, if you are like me, you will find that you’ve been leading your life by ego. Ouch. That hurts.

I can’t help but wonder what this world would be like if more people chose to lead their lives with soul. But fantasizing never got anyone anywhere! I don’t just want to wonder about it, I want to live it.

Leading your life with soul is a choice – a decision you have to make every morning. A decision to block out the deafening soul-killing voices and listen to the true voice, the voice that will lead you to love, passion and fulfillment. The voice that will lead you to life!

Today I chose to lead my life with soul… will you?

For if you remain silent at this time, relief and deliverance for the Jews will arise from another place, but you and your father’s family will perish. And who knows but that you have come to royal position for such a time as this? – Esther 4:14

The principal theme for this chapter was that God uses times of crisis to turn us on our heels and point us into a new direction. Esther’s crisis revolved around her and her families personal safety and she was confronted with a new direction – use her royal position to give the Jews a voice. The cost? She was risking her own life to do so.

Now forgive me as I transition from this crisis of Biblical proportion to my own cushy, I have a roof over my head, clothes on my back and food in my stomach life. About a month ago, I found myself in a modern day crisis…. you know the one – in a society where what you do for a living defines who you are. I have the degree, amazing experience for my age and a job that was way better than what I should of had a year and a half out of college, but I found myself hating my job. Cue emotional crisis. Enter God’s perfectly timed direction change! Exhale.

Thirty days ago i was drowning in the depths of an unfulfilled work life, today I am unemployed and I’ve never felt more alive! I’ve said it many times, but I feel as if I’ve been given the gift of time and the master builder is scraping away parts of my old self, molding my core inner being and adding gifts and strengths to the woman I am becoming.

So in lieu of embracing this new journey, I’ve decided to tackle something that scares me… something that every bone in my body is resistant to doing… something that the loud voice in my head says ‘you can’t do that!’ Are you dying of suspense?! Ok, I’ll tell you… I am going to train for and run a half marathon… now before you pass judgment and think “big whoop!’ allow me to fill you in on a little back story…

I was born and raised an athlete, involved in competitive team sports starting at the young age of 8. By the time I was 16, I had the ‘exercise is fun’ mentality beaten out of me, so I’ve spent the majority of my adult life sporadically participating in recreational exercise I enjoy, like yoga! But running, ugh. I hate to run. Like, a lot! But I love the idea of it and I envy the people in my life that ‘can’ run, because as far as I’m concerned, I cannot.

I’ve watched my friends train for races and seen lives transformed by the simple act of running and I can’t help but wonder, ‘what’s the big deal?’ Well, I’m about to find out.

I am going to run a half marathon, because there’s a smaller, quieter, wiser voice that tells me ‘you WILL do that’.

-And who knows but that you have come to royal position for such a time as this?

I was inspired by the Grammy performance on Sunday night of Michael Jackson’s Earth Song - so I downloaded it and preceded to “dance”… arms flailing, feet stomping as MJ belts out “What about us!”. Oh the JOY! So, I’ve been inspired… to dance… everyday… to a new song and let the raw honest expression transform me into a more alive, authentic human being.

Yesterday it was MJ’s Earth Song, today Don’t you by Simple Minds! (Breakfast Club anyone?)

What do you say, will you dance with me?

I quit my job today. I quit my job today because the fear of not having enough money was the only thing keeping me in the building. I made a quick but prayerful decision that that fear was not going to run my life.  Belief, passion and love are a requirement for all the things I do in my life – when those things are gone, I owe it to myself and everyone else to move on.

So as I packed up my desk, the beautiful faces that I’ve come to know and love over the past year and a half looked at me with shock and sadness. I too am sad, that I am no longer apart of your daily lives – but that’s the only reason. There is no question in my mind, whether or not I made the right decision. I know the path I walk is being triumphantly led by the creator of the universe and that knowledge gives me peace.

A good friend just asked me, “so what’s your plan?” and I can confidently tell you, I have NO plan! Trust me, had it been MY plan I would take two weeks off for some much needed rest and rejuvenation and then happily transition into the fabulous job I had lined up BEFORE responsibly quitting my job. That would have been MY plan.

I have no other option but to sit in the faith that God will show up. In His perfect timing and His perfect provision, He will show up. Its a beautiful thing.

Today I will have two o’clock tea in the comfort of my blissful bedroom instead of my office cubicle – unexpected? Yes. Inspiring? Very. I’m already quite fond of the fact that it’s a Monday afternoon and I’m curled up in bed in my pajamas… tomorrow is a blank canvas just begging for a beautiful painting. And so I will paint.

As I pulled into my garage this afternoon, my desk boxed up in my back seat, the finality of my decision sinking in… Sheryl Crow sang confidently on the radio “a change will do you good!” Coincidence? I. Think. Not.

Tunnel vision. Have you ever been in a place where you can only see what’s going on right in front of your eyes and have lost all concept of the big picture? Tunnel vision leads to loss of perspective and hope. I am in transition, yet I have tunnel vision – not a healthy combo.

Inspired. The name of the women’s event I attended yesterday with Flood Church – where we spent the day “learning to live and lead with soul.” It was 7 beautiful hours where the tears flowed, the dark cloud of hopelessness was lifted and I got to think about the things that I think are beautiful….

imperfections. the sky. smiles. laughter. tears. fresh flowers. big cities. the smell of coffee (mmmm). support. new days.

and the things that I would love to spend my life doing…

build and nurture relationships. encourage others. inspire others. make people smile. have God’s goodness shine through me.

The beautiful, inspirational and perfectly witty (all of which I long to be) Leeana Tankersley, author of Found Art, showed me that I need to breathe again and keep breathing. So this is me exercising my options, making a plan to seek out inspiration in my daily life and document it here.

Because it’s good for my soul.

 I’m telling you this so you know where I stand in regards to fashion, accessories, SHOES, materialism… whatever you want to call it!

 Avid J.Crew shopper that I am -slash I can only afford their sale items but I still shop there anyway – I was appalled when the following image popped into my inbox this morning.

 Now I don’t know if I’m over reacting here, cause when I shared the image with my female co-workers, I received an “aw cute!” but I’m sticking to my gut reaction of “ugh sad”.

 I don’t know what disgusts me more… the expressions of defiance and envy on these young innocent girls’ faces, the gluttonous over accessorizing (yes I realize it is an advertisement but since when is it appropriate for children to wear jewelry that isn’t their mom’s when they are playing dress up?!?), or just simply the image that this is giving parents and kids alike that this is the standard of beauty in today’s day and age – have you ever seen the show Toddlers in Tiaras? Case and point. Not to mention that they just look straight up ridiculous – seriously 5 headbands!!!!!

 J.Crew, you know I love you – I’m actually sporting one of your tanks as I write this – but please don’t turn our young girls into soulless consumers, you already have their parents – isn’t that enough?

With the dead of summer looming, I’ve been thinking a lot about this past year and all the change that came along with it. This time last year, I attended FSN – my first official event at Flood – not knowing a soul. Nervous yet excited to find my first ever “church home” I flipped into hyper-extrovert mode determined to know and be known.

Last night’s event was a completely different experience as I looked into the many eyes of the folks I’ve come to know and love over this past year. Today I reflect on the past “year” – the good the bad and the ugly – that led me to where I am today.

In July of 2008, my life did a 180 and I learned a great lesson on God’s perfect timing. Within a month’s time I found my home church, landed my dream job and walked away from a relationship that I had life-long hopes for. Have you ever had your dreams come true and crushed at the very same time? I didn’t know whether to jump for joy or cry – I did plenty of both.

Cue whirlwind.

In the past 12 months I’ve had the opportunity to do things (career wise) that I didn’t think would be reality for me. Well not at least until after 10 years of serving coffee, doing grunt work, putting in long hours etc… I’ve had so many ‘I can’t believe this is my life’ moments (inspiration for the name of this blog) that I kinda wish I started documenting it sooner. Oh well, God’s perfect timing remember! All the while having this incredible vision of what God was doing in and through me through my time in the office.

As if starting a career weren’t enough to take on… no, no God had even more in store for the next 12 months of my life. When I attended FSN last year, I just wanted to make friends – today I have a family. In a time when my heart ached from loss of love, God gave me people who have blessed my life in more ways than they will ever now. Then came the challenge. Taking a risk for the Kingdom of God with 2 people I hardly knew and one person who I’d gone to great heights with We came together, held hands and jumped in head first and today the Carmel Valley Group is alive, well and home to many who desire, like me 12 months ago, to know and be known. Amen.

So here I am today, July 16, 2009 – still mildly burnt out from work – anxiously awaiting a new season. This past year has been tumultuous at times, but the transformation was worth every little growing pain. With my best friend planning to start a family and my college roommate preparing to walk down the aisle, this next year promises to be exciting in the very least. Life moves on, I will soon enough be one year older (gasp) and with each passing day we are one moment closer to the day that every knee will bow…

 “From the rising of the sun to the place of its setting men may know there is none besides me. I am the LORD, and there is no other.” – Isaiah 45:6